Cultivating Fulfilling Relationships

Have you thought much about how you cultivate relationships? Not just romantic ones, but close friendships? Do you notice what makes you gravitate toward some people and perhaps feel less interested in or safe with others?

We’re wired to want to connect. To be seen, to feel heard, to feel loved, and to belong. Some of us seek a big community, others of us value a few close friendships. Some of us have a history of making friends easily, and some of us have found it hard to find people we connect with.

Some of us have experienced relational trauma at some point in our life or have had an absence of models for healthy relationships. If our models of relationships involved codependency, emotional unavailability or volatility, neglect, or abuse, it can be hard to figure out what healthy relationships entail.

Think about your relationships that have felt most fulfilling. Try jotting down what you notice about them. How do you know if a friendship is one that you want to nurture and grow in?

Here are some things I notice about fulfilling relationships—

What they feel like:

My breath feels easy

My belly is soft

My body feels relaxed and grounded

My shoulders rest easy

My laugh comes frequently

My cheeks feel warm

My spirit feels light and my heart full

What I notice about our dynamic:

They ask good questions

They invite me to ask questions of them

They notice what matters to me

They know and share about what matters to them

They respect my boundaries and expect that I will respect theirs

Sometimes it’s a little awkward in the beginning as we’re getting to know each other

There’s a balance of give and take

I don’t feel like they expect me to fix their problems and they don’t seek to fix mine

When something feels off, we check in with one another

Communication is direct; there’s no sense of needing to read between the lines

We can take time and space away from each other without it feeling problematic or personal

We have other friendships—some overlap and others don’t

I am interested in their inner world and they’re interested in mine

Our interactions aren’t routinely emotionally taxing

We hold similar values and beliefs about fundamental things

The friendship doesn’t ask for self-sacrifice

We can disagree about things

We learn with and from each other

We can hold space or each other’s emotions and feel deeply for one another without becoming enmeshed in each other’s stuff

We learn about and then show up in ways that feel supportive to one another

We mutually respect and admire each other

I’m not afraid for them to see my flaws or struggles; I also see and welcome theirs

Neither of us tries to change the other

They don’t talk poorly about other friends

We respect each other’s perspectives and are curious to learn more about each other

We each have a strong sense of ourselves

We’re both interested in learning

We have differences

We don’t avoid hard topics

We can have conversations about ordinary, strange, hilarious, and deeply meaningful things

We don’t need each other’s approval

There is no sense of posturing or competition— I never feel like I have to try to “win”

They don’t expect me to meet all of their needs and vice versa

We honor the ways we each feel loved, cared about, and appreciated

We take turns listening and sharing

I feel seen and heard by them

I seek to see and hear them

We welcome feedback from each other

We work toward repair if harm happens in the relationship

Fulfilling Relationships are Interdependent

Fulfilling relationships ask that we know ourselves and honor our own needs and expect that the other person will do the same. Healthy relationships encourage interdependence. This means emotional intimacy is shared while also maintaining a sense of self. When we are interdependent, we value vulnerability and being able to turn to others for meaningful connection—and we also value a sense of self and being able to be oneself without compromising who we are or our values.

© kelly wilt